lost like this: revenge of the wack MC

Hello My Name Is: Marc Heiden. I am here to address the tough issues in our nation today:

EDUCATING OUR YOUTH ABOUT THE BOMB
our nation's government has once again begun dropping explosives upon foreigners, and I couldn't be happier. the bicentennial has come and gone. the foreigners of the world have had more than two-hundred years to see how great democracy is, and yet they resolutely remain stuck in their primitive ways. why, if it took a dog that long to learn to be house-broken, it'd be "sayonara" for pooch! blow the foreigners back to the stone age and let them start over again, I say. maybe they'll learn quicker next time around. that's not what this essay is about, though. I speak once again about our wayward children. as any grown man knows, the bomb is what makes this country safe. it's the most important part of our great democratic system and if the next generation is going to run this country, they need to know how to use it. problem is, some of them don't even know what it is! I've head Billy the neighbor boy mistakenly identify three different things "the bomb" during this last week alone. first it was a song from one of those "plonk" bands, the Off-springers. then he thought that some liquor his friend stole was the "bomb". then he thought the bomb was a portrait of teen singer Britney Throwing Spears, which is probably some crazy Injun name, I don't know, but he was wrong all three times! and he wasn't even consistent in his errors! I took him aside and said "Billy, those things aren't the 'bomb'. The bomb is a big grey box that we drop on foreigners when they misbehave." what does he do? does he correct his ways? no, he calls me a dirty old man and he tells me to shut up. right back to square one! these children have no respect for their elders, either!

DO WEBSITES INCITE TEENAGERS TO COMMIT VIOLENT ACTS?
in the wake of tragedies across the United States, some have asserted that the influence of violent "websites" on children has driven youngsters to maim, murder, and to hold unnatural views. these "websites" contain explicit content and perhaps even encoded instructions which their viewers then proceed to emulate, thinking it is "cool" to do so. it is only when the "groovy" runs "bloody" that we take notice of these problems. I am here today to tell you that websites are at fault. why, take this website right here. since an essay entitled "Why I Want To Fuck the Skull of Private Ryan" was published here in February, there has been an epidemic 1.04% rise in skullfucking nationwide. young, impressionable audiences will stop at nothing to be just like their favorite HTML writer. all across our country today, misguided teenagers are getting their extremities stuck in eyesockets. I walk down the street and see them standing there, pants open wide, blank looks on their faces, and I shake my head. I don't know what to tell them except "turn off the websites, kids. go outside, run, and play." we're losing them, and it's a shame. and god knows where they're getting these skulls to start with. in my day, we sodomized ourselves with a good old-fashioned ice-cream cone.

WHERE THE HELL IS MY WIFE?
it's six o'clock already and I don't smell any turkey cooking. what the hell is going on here? I asked for turkey tonight. I'm here, I'm hungry, where's my dinner? have I done something wrong? I told her how pretty she looked in that new dress. where is she? it's been like five weeks since I've seen the little tramp. mailman knocks on the door today, I told him "hey fuckhead, if you're not a turkey I don't want to have anything to do with you." and he just turns around and walks away, all smug, so I shot him. is that it, Doris? you were sleeping with the mailman? not anymore you're not! hah! ah, hell. now look at me. I'm all wet.

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