lost like this: i am the one true vader

Hello My Name Is: Marc Heiden. thank you for coming - let me first say that it is an honor to have you here. I am a great admirer of your work. now, I realize that you have doubtlessly given this matter great thought. allow me, then, to put your mind at rest and end your search right here. I am the man you are looking for to play Anakin Skywalker in the new Star Wars movies.

surprised? don't be. there are countless reasons for you to choose me. consider, for example, the parallels between Anakin and myself. like Anakin, I am very morally ambiguous. many people have pointed this out. since I am so mysterious, it is hard to tell if I'm working for good or evil. sometimes, I am so mysterious that even I don't know which side I'm on. this creates all sorts of good intrigue and suspense. also, I look good in black - I wear it often - yet for the parts before Anakin becomes Darth Vader, I will use my uncanny ability to look fine in other, lighter colors. audiences will find this amazing and you will not even have to spend any money on special effects.

I have been practicing a lot and I feel that I have a number of qualities that are desirable for being Darth Vader. for example, I have no patience for snotty British guys. whenever I am in a room with them and they start insinuating that I am wrong about something, I take them out back and beat the crap out of them. this leads them to be nervous later. my time as a volunteer with the Wu-Tang Clan has taught me a great deal about how to make people respect me and I feel that I can put these lessons to good use in service of the Emperor. although the Force does not in fact run through me, I do possess kung-fu that is very mighty and audiences will probably not notice the difference.

like Robert DeNiro in "Raging Bull", I will definitely work hard to get into the part. since Anakin gradually replaces much of his body with machines to become Darth Vader, I recently had a cybernetic spleen installed just so I could get a feel for what life is like with mechanical parts. I will bring a strong air of authenticity to the part that no other actor could. recently I have been telling my cats that the Emperor is not pleased with them when they poop outside the litterbox. last week I even offered them a treat and then just gave them their normal food instead, and when one of them gave me a dirty look, I asked him if he felt he was being treated unfairly and informed him that he should pray I don't alter the bargain further. I sounded just like James Earl Jones when I did it, too.

I would be a great person to have on the movie set. I am a very charming guy. many people walk up to me and tell me what a charming fellow I am. the other cast members would be very happy to have me there - Ewan McGregor is eager to work with me. actually, that may be the other way around. I'm not sure. just another example of how mysterious I am! I am also a very financially sensible choice for the part. most movie stars think that a million dollars isn't a lot of money, but I do. it would be just fine with me. in fact, you could give me milkshakes and some donuts and I'd probably be content. like the cheese of the month club, I am the gift that keeps on giving in terms of the budget. I am said to have a timeless quality about me, so you will not have to do much work during the Special Editions of these new movies to make me look good again. since you are already done with the first movie, where Anakin is just a young boy, you will be pleased to know that I will be finishing college in a couple semesters so I will be available to film soon.

if you think about it, Mr. Lucas, you will surely realize that I am not only the right man but I am the only man for the part. email me anytime when you want to get started, and thanks for your time!

sincerely,
Marc Heiden.

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