theory of achievement theory of achievement

A CLERK stamps papers and hands them back to a CUSTOMER.

CLERK: You're all set. Next?

The CUSTOMER leaves. LEFTY, holding a clipboard, approaches.

LEFTY: Yeah, hi. I was wondering if you could help me out here. I'm filling out this form for a handicapped parking permit. Right here, under type of vehicle…?
CLERK: Yes?
LEFTY: It says two-door, four-door…
CLERK: Uh-huh…
LEFTY: Which box do you check for a motorcycle?
CLERK: You want a handicapped permit for your motorcycle?
LEFTY: Oh, if I'm in the wrong line…
CLERK: No, it's just that's…kind of unusual. What, exactly, is your disability?
LEFTY: My disability?
CLERK: The thing that makes you handicapped.
LEFTY: Oh, one of those. Well, I've got a mood thing, where I kind of freak out if I have park real far away from stores.
CLERK: You freak out?
LEFTY: Yeah, I get real cranky. It's a terrible disease.
CLERK: Sir, being a jerk is not grounds for a handicapped permit.
LEFTY: It's not?
CLERK: No.
LEFTY: Oh, well, it's not just the mood thing.
CLERK: What else is it?
LEFTY: Well, I…haven't got…any…

LEFTY quickly folds his arms behind his back.

LEFTY: Arms.
CLERK: Yes, you do.
LEFTY: How can you say that?
CLERK: They're right there!
LEFTY: I have no idea what you're talking about.
CLERK: How do you drive the motorcycle? What, do you use your feet?
LEFTY: Don't be ridiculous. (pause) A little monkey does the handlebars.
CLERK: A little monkey.
LEFTY: Yeah! I mean, now I'm really getting a sense for the discrimination that handicapped people have to face on an everyday basis. This is terrible, man.
CLERK: You, sir, are not handicapped.
LEFTY: I am too!

The CLERK reaches over the counter and grabs LEFTY's right arm.

CLERK: If you don't have any arms, then what is this?
LEFTY: That?
CLERK: Yeah.
LEFTY: Oh, well, that.
CLERK: That is an arm.
LEFTY: Well, it's not very good, is it?
CLERK: What do you mean, it's not very good?
LEFTY: It's not exactly what you'd call a good arm. I mean, it doesn't stretch or anything.
CLERK: It doesn't matter whether you like your arm or not. It exists. Therefore, you are not handicapped.
LEFTY: I'm handicapped by it being unreliable. It falls off all the time.
CLERK: Your arm is not going to fall off.
LEFTY: It fell off today!
CLERK: How?
LEFTY: I was catching babies that were falling from great heights, and then I had to teach the babies on top how to catch the other babies that were falling on top of them, and babies don't learn quickly, so that was hard, and I caught all of them, but it was really heavy, so my arm fell off.
CLERK: Yeah.
LEFTY: On to a pillow, thank God.
CLERK: Sir, I can't process this application. You are a liar, and you should be ashamed of yourself for trying to take advantage…

RON enters, examining some paperwork.

RON: What's going on here, Rampson?
CLERK: This man's trying to scam a handicapped parking permit, sir.
RON: (to LEFTY) You're disabled?
LEFTY: Yes, sir.
CLERK: He says he doesn't have any arms, sir.
RON: No arms, eh?
LEFTY: No, sir.
RON: You managed to fill out this application without arms.
LEFTY: Yes, sir.
RON: Hey, I know you, don't I?
LEFTY: Do you?
RON: I handled your unemployment application!
LEFTY: Oh, yeah!
RON: (to CLERK) This is Lefty! He's a great guy!
CLERK: Lefty?

LEFTY shrugs in acknowledgement.

 RON: I had to grant him a permanent disability pension because I couldn't find him any jobs in his line of work.
CLERK: What's your field?
LEFTY: I'm a tap dancer.
RON: Some day, the man who stole your feet will be brought to justice.
LEFTY: Thank you.

RON exits.

CLERK: You liar.
LEFTY: Now all I can do is wobble.
CLERK: No arms. No feet. You're asking me to believe that you're basically a floating fucking torso who can somehow fill out applications and ride motorcycles to drop off the applications and despite having no limbs whatsoever has somehow earned the nickname Lefty.
LEFTY: Well, I mentioned the little monkey that helps me out sometimes.
CLERK: Have you no shame?
LEFTY: Have you no soul? Why can't you believe in dreams? Why can't you believe in possibilities? You stand thee in your hip, cynical, callous pose, assuming that behind every nubbin is a lie in the form of an arm. Well, sir, sometimes there isn't. There are people in this world who choose to believe that a man faced with surreal obstacles can overcome them and reach new heights. So I'm basically a floating torso. There's still room in this head, in this chest, in these nubbin arms…for a heart. And dreams. Dreams, bigger than either of us could ever reach.
CLERK: Every day. Every day, there's another one of you, and pretty soon there will be no one but you. I wash my hands of this entire thing. I'm going home.
LEFTY: Do you need a ride?
CLERK: I'll kill you.
LEFTY: Okay.

The CLERK exits. RON returns

RON: I'm sorry about him. He's always been a loose cannon in the civic bureaucracy.
LEFTY: Hey, don't worry about it.
RON: Let me just get this application approved for you.
LEFTY: Thanks.
RON: God, your arms, too?
LEFTY: Yeah. Hey, the way I look at it, though, every day's a gift, and so what if I need a little monkey to unwrap the gift. It's still a gift.
RON: You are an inspiration.

 

theory of achievement by Marc Heiden, September 2001.