the message

(three stoned teenagers are sprawled out on the stage. if a couch is available, two of them should be slumped on it like they were aiming to sit on it but couldn't quite pull it off. a third is lying nearby. there should be some garbage strewn about on the floor)

SANDY: I'm hungry.
MICKY: (helplessly trying and failing to point at SANDY) You...you...you're always hungry. It's like...I mean, the thing is...like...when are you not hungry?
SANDY: Yeah, that's all fine and good, but...you fail to address my original point...which was...I dunno, something about hunger.
MICKY: (repeating with hands) You...you...your original points are always hungry...
SANDY: So...um...when do we start seeing things?
SERENITY: Should be soon.
MICKY: But when...when...is soon? I mean...(struggling) You can't find "soon" on a clock...
SANDY: At least not a clock that's in English.
MICKY: oooooh yeah...that's a good idea. We should get one of those foreign clocks.
SERENITY: Look, I stole these right from my parents' stash, and they only buy quality shrooms, I'm telling you. Their friend grows them himself so that they're not tainted with any toxins that the government puts in there to give you a bad trip and poison your truth-telling vision.
SANDY: Okay. (they fall into silence)
MICKY: I think my shroom was busted.
SANDY: Let's smoke some more pot while we're waiting.
MICKY: You, sir, are a leader for the next...um...cen...center...circle.

(MICKY starts rummaging around in his pockets. the doorbell rings, and SERENITY gets up to answer it)

SERENITY: (deeply dismayed) Oh...oh, no...maybe if I just don't open it...
MICKY: What? What, is it your parents?
SERENITY: No...oh, sweet Jesus...he's coming in through the window...
SANDY: Yeah! Yeah, I see that too! It's a sweet Jesus-flavored lollipop! My shroom is working! It's Jesus-on-a-stick!
SERENITY: No...much, much worse than that...

(B-COOL, a human-sized bee, enters. SERENITY stumbles backwards; the other two are in shock)

BCOOL: Yo, yo, yo, yo-yos!
SERENITY: Hey, just stay away...
BCOOL: What up! I'm B-Cool, the rapping bee! I don't do drugs cause drugs ain't for me!
SERENITY: Look, I don't know what you think is going on here, but we're not using any drugs...
BCOOL: Whoa, whoa there, turn off the baloney machine, pal! B-Cool ain't no fool! Smells like you been usin' dope / when what you really shoulda said was "hey, nope!"
MICKY: (to SANDY) This sucks. I thought we were supposed to see talking flowers with fangs...
SANDY: And new colors...
MICKY: Yeah, none of this giant bee stuff. I want my money back.
BCOOL: Yo! When B-Cool's in the room, he gonna lower the boom / on drug usin' turkeys, 'cause it really hurts me / see you throwin' your life away, you should play today / check out the library, it's what works for me / I get my high from a book, Mount Everest is the topic, come on and give it a look!
SERENITY: Okay, fine, I'll do that, will you please go now?
BCOOL: Aww, man, don't try to play B-Cool / it's y'all what be lookin' the fool. You think I'm'a let you sit here with your drugs / gettin' high and smokin' up on the rug?
SERENITY: Oh, no, please don't tell my parents...they're gonna be so pissed...
SANDY: No one ever told me that really bad rhyming was part of hallucinating.
MICKY: No kidding. I don't want to deal with this crap. I'm going to stick to crack from now on.
SANDY: (SERENITY passes out in the background) Yeah. I'm a dedicated crackhead now, I think. Hey, B-Cool. You convinced us. We're staying off the pot and the mushrooms for good.
BCOOL: Well well well, what is goin' on, with you two cats / suddenly figured out where it's at?
MICKY: Your frank and honest message convinced us.
SANDY: Yeah. You speak our language. We can relate to you, since you phrase your words in the hip speak that we use in our day-to-day lives.
BCOOL: Y'all ain't playin' with the B?
MICKY: Heck no. We would have to be dumb / to, uh, mess with the Stinging One.
BCOOL: Damn, brothers, that's what I like to hear! Now ya'll stay off the dope, right?
SANDY: No way, no more dope for me.
BCOOL: Then I guess my work is done here.
MICKY: Whatcha gonna do next, B-Cool?
BCOOL: Well, now that my anti-drug message is on the streets, I'm going to go bring my rhymes to work on Communism.
SANDY: Sounds good.
TOGETHER: Go, B-Cool!
BCOOL: Word to both of you!

(B-COOL leaves. SANDY and MICKY are left staring at SERENITY)

SANDY: So where do we get this crack stuff?
MICKY: I don't know. Maybe Serenity's parents have some of that too.
TOGETHER: Hey, Serenity! Wake up!
SANDY: He's probably never going to wake up now that he's got that giant squid covering his head.
MICKY: Ah, is that what that is? (lights down)

part two

(this tied in to another Potted Meat sketch about out-of-work KGB agents finding new careers as babysitters. the three men from that skit are standing around watching their charges, having a vehement discussion)

1: No! It is crucial that we lay the conceptual groundwork for what precisely the means of production are before we attempt to transfer control of them!
2: No! Too long! Too long have we laid in wait, dabbling idly in your "concepts" while the bourgeoise have run rampant over the workers! No more!
3: We must take action now before the spirit of the proletariat is irrevocably crushed!
1: Is action without direction truly action at all?
3: You and your Hegelian roots! Always with the abstract philosophies! Never with the true material status of men!

(B-COOL enters)

BCOOL: Now tell me I didn't just hear y'all dissin' on capitalism a moment ago.
2: Oh no! We have waited too long and now the bourgeoise are swooping down upon us!
BCOOL: Yo, fool! I ain't no bourgeoise / I'm B-Cool, the rappin' bee! I don't do communism cause forceful redistribution of wealth ain't for me! (lights down)


the message by marc heiden april 1998