the chester a. arthur variations

the first

(CHESTER is a heavy-set, well-dressed man in his fifties. he is sitting, reading a book)

CHESTER: "And everyone smiled, for they had a feeling that they'd be seeing that boy again. That boy's name was Jesus." (looks up, greets the audience warmly) Oh! Hello, friends. I'm Chester A. Arthur. (laughs) Yes, that Chester A. Arthur. I was just reading a few of my favorite stories. Would you like to join me? Pull up a seat. There's plenty of room for everyone. This story's a real dinger. It seems that once upon a time, there was a very poor shoemaker. He was a very good shoemaker, though. He made the best shoes in the entire kingdom. (pauses) You do know which Chester A. Arthur I am, right? As in the twenty-first president of the United States? (laughs) Of course you do. I was just ribbing you. Now, it seems that one day, the King got a blister on one of his feet. "This will not do!", he cried out. "I must have a new pair of shoes!" And so the call went out across the entire kingdom...I was president. You do know that, right? Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, Arthur...is this ringing any bells? I just want to make sure you know who you're sitting with, that's all, so you feel at home...okay, so the king's messengers go to all the shoemakers' shops and tell them to come make shoes for the king, but they don't bother with the poor shoemaker, the one from before, and the only way he hears about it is because he was at his friend's shop or something, look, as in the guy who stepped in when President Garfield went down. He got shot, somebody had to pick up the reins, so I stepped on in there and did the job. Highest office in the land. What the hell are they teaching you kids these days? (pauses) I'm sorry. Let me continue. Ah, so, the king tries on these shoes that the famous shoemakers have brought him. One is made of gold. It looks great, but it hurts his foot. You don't think I couldn't have kicked Grover Cleveland's sorry ass all over the 1884 election? Let's get one thing straight, buster. I avoided the nomination because I knew I had liver problems and I wouldn't be healthy enough to serve another term. No other reason. You catch my drift? Jesus. Think you're hot shit. Where's your Pendleton Civil Service Act, huh? I took down the Star Route swindlers in the Post Office department. What have you done lately? Oh, you want to hear the rest of the story? Fine. So all the other shoes are shit because they're expensive and flashy, the king doesn't like them, the poor shoemaker makes a good shoe, hurrah for him, moral of the story is that image isn't important or something. Anti-Polygamy Act? That was all me. I had those fucking Mormons on the ropes and if Congress had taken one piece of advice I gave them... my own god-damn Secretary of State. Stabbed me in the back and pulled the nomination out from underneath me. It was him, wasn't it? Blaine put you up to this. Bastards. I'm Chester A. Arthur, god damn it. Maybe I didn't get some cakewalk world war to make me look good, but I was in there. I was the twenty-first president of the United States and don't you forget it.

(two COLLEGE STUDENTS enter)

1: Excuse me, we have this space reserved. We're doing a sketch comedy show.
CHESTER: I'm Chester A. Arthur.
1: That's great. I'm (name).
CHESTER: Do you know who I am?
2: No. Do you have a space request form?
CHESTER: Forget it.

(CHESTER exits and the students go on with their show)


the second

(CHESTER A. ARTHUR enters. he is a heavy-set, well-dressed man in his fifties who is wearing a baseball cap backwards)

CHESTER: Word, everyone. This is Chester A. Arthur rapping at you. You all probably know that I was the twenty-first president of the United States, but you may not know that I was a pretty hep cat in my time. In fact, I invented rap music. If a rhyme was busted, I fixed it. The other day I was cruising around in Washington with my homeboys Robert Todd Lincoln and Silkk the Shocker, you know, just chilling. We even had the top down on our convertible. That was so all the fly mamas could see us and be aware of how dope we were. Not dope as in stupid, mind you! Heavens, no. As Chester A. Arthur, I had the most street cred of any president since Jefferson. And let me tell you, suckers were staying out of our way. Silkk, lay it out for them.

(SILKK THE SHOCKER, a rapper dressed in cheap pseudo-expensive clothing, enters)

SILKK: Damn, Chester! Do these suckas even know you were the twenty-first president of the United States? My boy Chester ain't to be messed with! Brother be takin' down pork-barrel legislation on rivers and harbors like a motherfuckin' tornado, man!
CHESTER: That's right, Silkk. Chester A. Arthur is a hard man with a great deal of street credibility.
SILKK: (calming down) Chester, we got to go. C-Murder needs us to guest on his next album, then we got Master P's joint at three...
CHESTER: Well, kids, I've got to be going. I hope you remember what you've heard today. Some presidents were wack, but Chester A. Arthur was not amongst them. Word.

(they exit)


the third

VOICE: You thrilled to "World's Deadliest Car Chases"...you chilled to "When Animals Attack With Weapons"...now, reality-TV fans, get ready to be blown away by "Chester A. Arthur Presents The Best of Babies Falling Off Refrigerators!"

(CHESTER A. ARTHUR, a heavy-set, well-dressed man in his fifties, enters and stands at midstage while plastic babies and/or teddy bears are flung around behind him)

CHESTER: Mesmerized by this carnage, folks? Did Zachary fucking Tyler ever give you this kind of thrill? Hell no! Chester A. Arthur, twenty-first president of the United States, is the choice of the extreme generation!

(the COLLEGE STUDENTS return with a COP)

2: That's him. He won't get off our stage.
COP: (leading CHESTER off) Alright, come on, buddy.
CHESTER: I was the president! I give myself an executive pardon! Let me go!
COP: Tell it to the judge.
CHESTER: You don't understand! I'm Chester A. Arthur!
COP: Alright, you're resisting arrest.

(the COP takes out a club and beats the snot out of CHESTER, who he then drags off)


the chester a. arthur variations by marc heiden march 1999