I woke up in a strange place

By Marc Heiden, since 1997.
See also: a novel about a monkey.


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January 12, 2006

Here is possibly the worst thing I've ever done: on the Friday morning before Christmas, at the end of two weeks of training on a large suite of proprietary hardware and software, I was in a good mood. Holiday spirit was in the air. I was the only member of my training group to have mastered the material, and the company was so pleased that they decided to buy out my contract from the temp agency and give me benefits for the rest of the job (until the end of March), as well as a completion bonus of staggering proportions. Also, there was to be free pizza for lunch. I walked past the boss's office and saw a woman from my training group sitting in there by herself. They were all nice people, and we had developed a pleasant camaraderie during training. So I walked into the office, sat down in the empty chair behind the boss's desk and said, "I'm sorry, it's just not working out." She chuckled and said, "Are you firing me?" I nodded. "You're being fired into outer space, on a rocket-ship," I said. "Good luck up there." We laughed. At that point, the boss came in, so I left. I learned about an hour later that he then proceeded to actually fire her.

PERHAPS I SHOULD NOT HAVE PAID THIS MAN TO PERFORM MAINTENANCE ON MY CAR'S TRANSMISSION

The MECHANIC steps out of the car and indicates the NES controller that sits next to the steering wheel.

MECHANIC: Play a lot of Nintendo, huh?
AUTHOR: That's the auxiliary control.
MECHANIC: The what?
AUTHOR: In case the steering wheel goes out. It's the back-up.
MECHANIC: Whoa. Are you serious?
AUTHOR: No. No, I am not.
MECHANIC: Oh. I was wondering how you could hook that up...
AUTHOR: No, that would be a bit beyond my expertise.

A BETTER ENDING THAN WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED, WHICH IS THAT HE MADE SOME KIND OF A NINTENDO-ESQUE SOUND, AND I DROVE AWAY

MECHANIC: Welcome to the jungle, motherfucker. You're gonna die!

The MECHANIC pulls out a machine gun and shoots the AUTHOR, who falls, but then re-appears in a standing position. The MECHANIC shoots the AUTHOR again with the same result.

MECHANIC: What the hell?!
AUTHOR: Too bad I never leave the house without hitting Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start, chump!

The AUTHOR leaps into the car, taps the A button to get a turbo boost out of the parking lot, circles around and strafes the garage with missiles. All of the evil aliens inside are destroyed. The aliens have killed hundreds of people, but the aliens had been holding a puppy prisoner and he survives, so everyone feels good about that.

Well, that was nice.

Posted on January 12, 2006 10:00 AM |




I woke up in a strange place is the work of Marc Heiden, born in 1978, author of two books (Chicago, Hiroshima) and some plays, and an occasional photographer.

Often discussed:

Antarctica, Beelzetron, Books, Chicago, College, Communism, Food, Internet, Japan, Manute Bol, Monkeys and Apes, North Korea, Oregon Trail, Outer Space, Panda Porn, Politics, RabbiTech, Shakespeare, Sports, Texas.

Archives:

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Written by Marc Heiden, 1997-2011.