I woke up in a strange place

By Marc Heiden, since 1997.
See also: a novel about a monkey.




January 12, 2006

Here is possibly the worst thing I've ever done: on the Friday morning before Christmas, at the end of two weeks of training on a large suite of proprietary hardware and software, I was in a good mood. Holiday spirit was in the air. I was the only member of my training group to have mastered the material, and the company was so pleased that they decided to buy out my contract from the temp agency and give me benefits for the rest of the job (until the end of March), as well as a completion bonus of staggering proportions. Also, there was to be free pizza for lunch. I walked past the boss's office and saw a woman from my training group sitting in there by herself. They were all nice people, and we had developed a pleasant camaraderie during training. So I walked into the office, sat down in the empty chair behind the boss's desk and said, "I'm sorry, it's just not working out." She chuckled and said, "Are you firing me?" I nodded. "You're being fired into outer space, on a rocket-ship," I said. "Good luck up there." We laughed. At that point, the boss came in, so I left. I learned about an hour later that he then proceeded to actually fire her.

PERHAPS I SHOULD NOT HAVE PAID THIS MAN TO PERFORM MAINTENANCE ON MY CAR'S TRANSMISSION

The MECHANIC steps out of the car and indicates the NES controller that sits next to the steering wheel.

MECHANIC: Play a lot of Nintendo, huh?
AUTHOR: That's the auxiliary control.
MECHANIC: The what?
AUTHOR: In case the steering wheel goes out. It's the back-up.
MECHANIC: Whoa. Are you serious?
AUTHOR: No. No, I am not.
MECHANIC: Oh. I was wondering how you could hook that up...
AUTHOR: No, that would be a bit beyond my expertise.

A BETTER ENDING THAN WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED, WHICH IS THAT HE MADE SOME KIND OF A NINTENDO-ESQUE SOUND, AND I DROVE AWAY

MECHANIC: Welcome to the jungle, motherfucker. You're gonna die!

The MECHANIC pulls out a machine gun and shoots the AUTHOR, who falls, but then re-appears in a standing position. The MECHANIC shoots the AUTHOR again with the same result.

MECHANIC: What the hell?!
AUTHOR: Too bad I never leave the house without hitting Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A, Start, chump!

The AUTHOR leaps into the car, taps the A button to get a turbo boost out of the parking lot, circles around and strafes the garage with missiles. All of the evil aliens inside are destroyed. The aliens have killed hundreds of people, but the aliens had been holding a puppy prisoner and he survives, so everyone feels good about that.

Well, that was nice.


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I woke up in a strange place is the work of Marc Heiden, born in 1978, author of two books (Chicago, Hiroshima) and some plays, and an occasional photographer.

Often discussed:

Antarctica, Beelzetron, Books, Chicago, College, Communism, Food, Internet, Japan, Manute Bol, Monkeys and Apes, North Korea, Oregon Trail, Outer Space, Panda Porn, Politics, RabbiTech, Shakespeare, Sports, Texas.

Archives:

January 2012, December 2011, January 2011, September 2010, August 2010, June 2010, March 2010, October 2009, February 2009, January 2009, September 2008, August 2008, March 2008, February 2008, October 2007, July 2007, June 2007, January 2007, September 2006, July 2006, June 2006, January 2006, December 2005, September 2005, August 2005, July 2005, June 2005, May 2005, March 2005, February 2005, January 2005, December 2004, October 2004, July 2004, June 2004, May 2004, April 2004, February 2004, January 2004, December 2003, November 2003, October 2003, September 2003, August 2003, July 2003, June 2003, May 2003, April 2003, March 2003, February 2003, January 2003, December 2002, November 2002, October 2002, September 2002, August 2002, July 2002, June 2002, May 2002, April 2002, March 2002, February 2002, January 2002, December 2001, November 2001, October 2001, September 2001, August 2001, July 2001, December 1999, November 1999, October 1999, May 1999, February 1999, January 1999, December 1998, November 1998, October 1998, June 1998, May 1998, April 1998, March 1998, February 1998, December 1997, November 1997, October 1997, September 1997, and the uncategorised wilderness of the Beelzetron era: 010622 - 010619, 010615 - 010611, 010608 - 010604, 010601 - 010529, 010525 - 010521, 010518 - 010514, 010511 - 010507, 010504 - 010430, 010427 - 010423, 010420 - 010416, 010413 - 010409, 010406 - 010402, 010330 - 010326, 010323 - 010319, 010316 - 010312, 010309 - 010307, 019223 - 010219, 010216 - 010212, 010209 - 010205, 010202 - 010109, 010126 - 010122, 010119 - 010115, 010112 - 010108, 010105 - 010102, 001229 - 001224, 001222 - 001218, 001215 - 001211, 001208 - 001204, 001201 - 001124, 001124 - 001120, 001117 - 001113, 001110 - 001106, 001103 - 001030, 001027 - 001023, 001020 - 001016, 001013 - 001010, 001006 - 000927.

Written by Marc Heiden, 1997-2011.