Times I have been mistaken for a rabbi this week: 3 Times I have passed myself off as a rabbi to save time this week: 1 Times it happened last week: 2 Number of monkeys within eyeshot of my computer at work: 3 Number of monkeys within eyeshot of my computer at home: 2 Number of rabbis within eyeshot of my computer at work: 1 Number of rabbis within eyeshot of my computer at home: 0 Position of my bowling team in last season's standings: 23 (out of 26) Position of my bowling team in this season's standings: 5 (out of 26) How many more mornings in here: 28 (at most)
There is war; all of the newspapers are using big fonts for their headlines in order to act like they're surprised. When considering world events, I take some comfort from the feeling that I am much better suited for a pirate's life than the majority of my peers. A lot of those motherfuckers will be swabbing decks while I train monkeys to throw dice. I'll tell you that.