I woke up in a strange place

By Marc Heiden, since 1997.
See also: a novel about a monkey.


« January 16 | Main | January 21 »

January 17, 2003

I have the idea in my head that repeatedly hitting 'reload' on the 'Order Status' web page will stress to the technicians that I really want my new computer and that it should be a priority for them. I tested my theory by writing a realistic play with searing dialogue in which it happens:

TECHNICIAN: No one cares about my computers.
OTHER TECHNICIAN: God damn.
TECHNICIAN: I make them, because I must, but I make them slowly.
OTHER TECHNICIAN: In this cold and unfeeling world, what reason is there to make a computer quickly?
TECHNICIAN: The processor will go in as soon as I have digested and subsequently shat this sandwich.
OTHER TECHNICIAN: To reiterate, then: God damn.

The MONITOR JOCKEY enters, excited.

JOCKEY: Gentlemen! Why so sluggish!
TECHNICIAN: We lack inspiration.
JOCKEY: I will give you inspiration! Guess how many times this customer hit reload on his order status page?
TECHNICIAN: Never?
OTHER TECHNICIAN: Once?
JOCKEY: Nay!
TECHNICIAN: A few times?
OTHER TECHNICIAN: Several?
JOCKEY: Your guesses are both woefully inadequate!
TECHNICIAN: How many, then? And, bear in mind, as men who are familiar with life on the 'streets', we are not susceptible to starry-eyed fantasies designed to pacify the middle classes in this age of declining religion. We may be of the lower classes, but we have an innate response to the truth, and there is wisdom to be found in our simplicity.
JOCKEY: The answer is this: a lot! That is how many times he has checked his 'order status' page!
TECHNICIAN: Over the course of many days?
OTHER TECHNICIAN: Surely!
JOCKEY: Nay!
OTHER TECHNICIAN: Nay?
JOCKEY: He has reached the plateau of 'a lot' in this day alone!
TECHNICIAN: What manner of passion must course through his veins to fuel such intense reloading?
OTHER TECHNICIAN: Significant passion, I would say! Passion and caring of a degree that would seem to defy our previous statements about the uncaring nature of our world!
TECHNICIAN: I should make computers!
OTHER TECHNICIAN: I will help!
TECHNICIAN: And give up the booze!
OTHER TECHNICIAN: But is booze not an inextricable part of our milieu?
TECHNICIAN: This is a new world! We are healed of our social mores, cleansed by this passion! Let us realize our potential! Let us make computers to match this man!
OTHER TECHNICIAN: God, I retract my previous off-hand requests for damnation! And, I submit this new request: God damn!

So, because I was able to write a realistic play with searing dialogue in which it happens, I figure it will happen soon. Some may say this is irresponsible application of the scientific method, but I would respond that those people can get fucked.

Let me also say, in an unrelated matter, that I am making a very serious effort to floss every day.

Posted on January 17, 2003 09:43 PM |




I woke up in a strange place is the work of Marc Heiden, born in 1978, author of two books (Chicago, Hiroshima) and some plays, and an occasional photographer.

Often discussed:

Antarctica, Beelzetron, Books, Chicago, College, Communism, Food, Internet, Japan, Manute Bol, Monkeys and Apes, North Korea, Oregon Trail, Outer Space, Panda Porn, Politics, RabbiTech, Shakespeare, Sports, Texas.

Archives:

January 2012, December 2011, January 2011, September 2010, August 2010, June 2010, March 2010, October 2009, February 2009, January 2009, September 2008, August 2008, March 2008, February 2008, October 2007, July 2007, June 2007, January 2007, September 2006, July 2006, June 2006, January 2006, December 2005, September 2005, August 2005, July 2005, June 2005, May 2005, March 2005, February 2005, January 2005, December 2004, October 2004, July 2004, June 2004, May 2004, April 2004, February 2004, January 2004, December 2003, November 2003, October 2003, September 2003, August 2003, July 2003, June 2003, May 2003, April 2003, March 2003, February 2003, January 2003, December 2002, November 2002, October 2002, September 2002, August 2002, July 2002, June 2002, May 2002, April 2002, March 2002, February 2002, January 2002, December 2001, November 2001, October 2001, September 2001, August 2001, July 2001, December 1999, November 1999, October 1999, May 1999, February 1999, January 1999, December 1998, November 1998, October 1998, June 1998, May 1998, April 1998, March 1998, February 1998, December 1997, November 1997, October 1997, September 1997, and the uncategorised wilderness of the Beelzetron era: 010622 - 010619, 010615 - 010611, 010608 - 010604, 010601 - 010529, 010525 - 010521, 010518 - 010514, 010511 - 010507, 010504 - 010430, 010427 - 010423, 010420 - 010416, 010413 - 010409, 010406 - 010402, 010330 - 010326, 010323 - 010319, 010316 - 010312, 010309 - 010307, 019223 - 010219, 010216 - 010212, 010209 - 010205, 010202 - 010109, 010126 - 010122, 010119 - 010115, 010112 - 010108, 010105 - 010102, 001229 - 001224, 001222 - 001218, 001215 - 001211, 001208 - 001204, 001201 - 001124, 001124 - 001120, 001117 - 001113, 001110 - 001106, 001103 - 001030, 001027 - 001023, 001020 - 001016, 001013 - 001010, 001006 - 000927.

Written by Marc Heiden, 1997-2011.