11:59

VOICE: (deep and ominous throughout) New Year's Eve, 1999. A new epoch in human history. What will happen at midnight? How will the trembling citizenry of the planet Earth react to the momentous moment? Wait. Let me start over. That sounded stupid. I can't...because I said "moment" twice, don't you see? Oh. This is just a rehearsal? Good. So, those of you curious about what the future will hold, feast your eyes upon...the year 2000.

(bell rings: NORA and KAREEM are onstage)

NORA: It's almost midnight!
KAREEM: Honey...I'm so glad I'm ringing in the new millenium with you.
NORA: I love you, Kareem.
KAREEM: I love you too, Nora.
NORA: I think everything's ready.
KAREEM: I can't wait to try your new "Bean Dip 2000".
NORA: It's the bean dip of the future.
KAREEM: And it's a future I'm loving more every minute I'm in it.
NORA: (checking watch) Almost there...come on, midnight!
KAREEM: The countdown's my favorite part of New Year's Eve.
NORA: Oh, yes, that's the best. Counting down the numbers together...
KAREEM: Yep.
NORA: One minute, fifty-three seconds to go!
KAREEM: Fifty-one, actually.
NORA: Really? My watch said fifty-three.
KAREEM: We just need to synchronize our watches, that's all. Bump yours ahead two seconds.
NORA: Or you could bump yours back.
KAREEM: Well, yeah, I could, but you should change yours.
NORA: I don't know, honey, I think perhaps it would be better if you changed yours.
KAREEM: I'd certainly be willing to do that in any other situation, but now's not such a good idea.
NORA: Why?
KAREEM: Because my time is correct.
NORA: So is mine.
KAREEM: Sure it is, honey. But mine is more correct.
NORA: What is that supposed to mean?
KAREEM: Look, if you really want to go with your time, that's fine. It's okay to be wrong every once in a while.
NORA: Why am I the one who has to change? When we moved in together, I was the one who had to give up my apartment! We always visit your family on holidays! We only watch your movies!
KAREEM: That's because they're better.
NORA: Fuck you, Kareem.
KAREEM: Fuck you, Nora.
NORA: Jerk.
KAREEM: Idiot.
NORA: Forty-three seconds left.
KAREEM: Forty-one.
NORA: Pencil-dick asshole.
KAREEM: Psychotic hag.
NORA: I faked every orgasm.
KAREEM: Happy New Year, you castrating bitch.
NORA: I'm leaving.
KAREEM: Glad to hear it.

(NORA exits)

KAREEM: (looking around) She took the bean dip. Fuck this millenium.

(bell rings: TODD comes rushing in)

TODD: Midnight! Yeah! Yeah! Fuckin' year 2000, baby! Fuck yeah! Hey, Kareem! I screwed your girlfriend! And I pissed in your Wheaties! (drops his pants) Waaaahoooo! Anarchy, motherfucker! Yeee-hah! Kill the cat! (a cat is thrown onstage. TODD grabs it, wrestles with it, and bites it. the cat is hanging from his mouth as KAREEM speaks)
KAREEM: Todd! (TODD looks at him, puzzled) What the hell are you doing?
TODD: (taking the cat out of his mouth) It's the year 2000! Anarchy!
KAREEM: You didn't set your watch back for daylight savings time, did you?
TODD: Huh?
KAREEM: It's eleven o'clock.
TODD: Oh.
KAREEM: Put my cat down, shithead.
TODD: (sets the cat down, begins pulling up his pants) Sorry. So, ah...parcheesi?

(bell rings: TODD exits. NORA and KAREEM are onstage, conferring)

KAREEM: It'll break his heart.
NORA: Of course it won't. He's had it for his entire life. I'm sure he's used to it by now.
KAREEM: Couldn't we make an exception?
NORA: No. We only have one chance at New Year's Eve 2000. We have to do it right.

(TODD enters. he has a hunchback)

NORA: (quietly, to KAREEM) Here he comes. Tell him.
KAREEM: Todd! Glad you could make it!
TODD: Nora! Kareem! Great to see you two.
NORA: You're just in time, Todd!
TODD: Hey, thanks for inviting me. I've really been looking forward to this.
KAREEM: No problem, buddy. Just, ah...one thing.
TODD: What?
KAREEM: Well, we're thrilled that you're here, and we want you to have a good time, but...(NORA nudges him) Well, when midnight comes...
TODD: Yes?
KAREEM: For honesty's sake...you know, doing it right...at midnight, we want you to wait two seconds to cheer after we do.
TODD: Why?
KAREEM: What with you being so low to the ground and all, we figure the new millenium will take a little longer to get to you. That's all.
TODD: (after an uncomfortable silence) I was a fool to leave the land of the hunchbacks.

(bell rings: NORA sits down, stiffly, at the edge of the stage. KAREEM and TODD approach her from opposite sides)

KAREEM: Look, Todd! It's the cyborg girl!
TODD: (derisively) Hey, cyborg girl!
NORA: (sadly) Hello.
KAREEM: You think you're all better than us because you have metal parts.
TODD: But pretty soon when all the machines crash, you're just going to be a hunk of junk!
KAREEM: Dumb cyborg girl!
NORA: That's true. I don't know what's going to happen at midnight. My electronic body might shut down because of the Y2K computer bug.
TODD: I know what's going to happen at midnight!
NORA: You do?
TODD: You're going to rust! Ha! Ha!

(NORA shoots TODD with her laser. he dies)

NORA: It's not midnight yet, shithead.
KAREEM: Don't shoot me with your laser. I treat all of my appliances very nicely.
NORA: Die, arrogant fleshling.

(NORA shoots KAREEM. he dies. she blows on a party whistle. bell rings: NORA, KAREEM, and TODD lay down onstage as if in coffins)

TODD: Brains!
KAREEM: Brains!
NORA: It has been foretold that the dead shall rise from their graves at midnight!
KAREEM: Rise from our graves!
TODD: Walk the earth once more!
NORA: Brains!
TODD: The new millenium is at hand! Rise, my undead brethren! Rise!

(they all push and claw at the lids of their coffins)

TODD: Rise!
NORA: Brains!
KAREEM: (pauses) Are either of you having trouble with this?
NORA: Like what?
KAREEM: Well, the lid of my coffin is stuck.
NORA: What do you mean, it's stuck?
TODD: The prophecy says that the undead shall rise from their graves!
KAREEM: Yeah, I know, I read it too, and believe me I'm all in favor of the entire program, but my coffin won't open.
NORA: (insistent) Brains!
KAREEM: I'm not disputing that!
TODD: (reluctantly) My lid is stuck too.
NORA: We're supposed to rise from our graves at midnight! We can't just show up at 5 and say "Hi, everyone, we're the undead, sorry we're late, if it's not too inconvenient we'd like to munch on your brains now."
TODD: What do you suggest we do?
NORA: I don't know.
KAREEM: It's all this dirt on top of us. Six feet...fucking overachievers.
NORA: We shouldn't have waited until the last minute to rise from our graves. We had plenty of time to work on this.
TODD: Well, fuck.
KAREEM: Brains.
TODD: Yep.
KAREEM: Alright, how about we start now and set Groundhog Day as a target date for rising from our graves?
NORA: Assuming there are any brains left by then.
TODD: Ah, fuck it. Let's just decompose.

(bell rings: TODD exits. NORA and KAREEM are eagerly watching a clock)

BOTH: Ten! Nine! Eight! Seven! Six! Five! Four!
TODD: (rushing in, with a gun) Stop!
NORA: What?
TODD: Fucking stop celebrating! It's not the new millenium!
KAREEM: What?
TODD: God damn you, you ignorant jackasses, the new millenium doesn't start until the year 2001! 2000 is the last year of the old millenium! Think about it! During the first millenium, there was no year zero, was there? It started with the year number one! God! You people piss me off!
NORA: Sorry.
KAREEM: But we've got all these neat decorations...
TODD: Fuck your decorations! Next motherfucker makes a reference to the "new millenium" gets shot! Now, we're all going to sit here and passively watch as the last year of the old millenium passes! Do you understand me!
NORA: Yes.

(they sit in silence)

TODD: (apologetically) I wasn't breast-fed as a child.


11:59 by marc heiden december 1999