Public Relations
Interpersonal relations hit a new low last week. Witness the following exchange at the local indie video store.
This video store is a place I visit regularly. Granted, I have the bad habit of never introducing myself to anyone at the places I go. Even if I do introduce myself, I make sure never to give my name. "Hey," I say. Or "How's it going." Or even "Boy! Spit-shine the Rolls in less than ten minutes, and I'll introduce you to President Grant."
However, out of excessive modesty, I never say "Hi! My name is Kurt, and I'm reasonably certain that we share a multitude of interests, including the divulging of our names to random underpaid customer service employees." Still, they know me at the video store, and they enjoy accepting my entertainment dollar.
On the night in question -- that night of dark and ominous developments in my ability to socialize casually -- the man behind the video-store counter was Jason Butler. Over the past few years, Jason has cranked out a load of shot-on-video features, with titles like Thoraxx II: The Breeding and Santiago Vs. Wigface. His stuff used to appear at the local Freaky Film Festival, until the fest ran its organizers ragged and they closed it down. Now Jason is forced to release his work at the video store where he works.
Here's an example of the kind of thing he does that puts me in awe. In Thoraxx II, Jason stars as Dr. Nasa, a homeless mad scientist. At one point, he sings a song about being a misfit who's turning into a giant ant. Two random bums serve as his backup singers.
After the song, the bums make fun of Dr. Nasa, who snarls "Silence, or I'll crush you with my pincers." He brings his arm up threateningly, only to see that his pincer -- on display during the song -- is once again just a human hand. "Curses," growls Dr. Nasa. "It was only a visual metaphor."
So. The video store. I go in, pick out my movies and go to the checkout. That's when the following transaction takes place.
Me: So how's Werewolf Cemetery [Jason's newest feature, currently in production] going?Jason Butler: Oh, OK. Kinda slow. Due to this insane cold weather we've been having. [Pause] Or due to this insane springlike weather we've been having.
Me: Oh, no. That means insane hormones.
JB: What?
Me: Well, insane springlike weather nine months of the year means insane hormones nine months of the year.
JB: Oh.
Me: [Reddening as I realize that he must think I'm hitting on him, but unable to stop myself] Because spring is the time that people fall in love.
[Pause]
JB: Well, I don't need anything like that to happen.
It didn't help that two of the movies I was renting were The Birds and The Bees.
As usual, the solution to my problems is more porn.
Fortunately, in addition to porn, there's Rory Leahy. Next month, Rory is putting on his play Lysistrata 3000 at the Athenaeum Theatre in Chicago. I could explain what a great thing this is and why you should go see it, along with anything else Rory does. But he's an amazingly articulate guy, and he can explain it in his own words.