SCENE II

In downtown New Athens, various people are seen shopping in a marketplace. A

disembodied voice, PHILOCTES, is heard in a radio broadcast.

PHILOCTES

Good morning New Athens, this is Philoctes, voice of the people, speaker of

truth and enemy of corruption, ready for another morning of sticking up for the

little guy and sticking it to the bastards. You with me? I hope so, ‘cause Philoctes

doesn’t take prisoners. He gets you in his sight, pulls the trigger and goes out

for coffee before you’ve had time to say “My gods above, what a pure,

unadulterated piece of man!”

Two young women, LYSISTRATA and CALONICE enter.

CALONICE

Man, it’s cold today. My butt is technically an ice cube. The oracle says it’s

supposed to warm up. I can never tell what they’re saying because they’re always

rambling on about cold fronts and wind chills and the dangers of defying the will

of the gods. Do you think it’ll warm up, Lysistrata?

LYSISTRATA

Even if it does life will still be a bleak, oppressive prison from which there is no

earthly escape.

CALONICE

You know it’s been really hard to have a casual conversation with you lately.

LYSISTRATA

Sorry. All the usual stuff’s been getting me down.

CALONICE

Yeah.

LYSISTRATA

Thanks for shopping with me. It gets pretty lonely at home these days.

CALONICE

Of course! You should come over to my place more you know, you’re a great

help with Icarus and Persephone. And they miss you.

LYSISTRATA

I know, I’m sorry I haven’t. I’ve just been really contemplative I guess. Doesn’t

help that we have to listen to this moron in every public place.

CALONICE

Adora’s supposed to be on the show today.

LYSISTRATA

Yeah, in the role of “sacrificial lamb”.

PHILOCTES

We begin today’s installment of broadcast excellence with the morning news. It’s

Market Day, the day you ladies have been patiently waiting for all month!

And the better news is that Chancellor Lycon has announced a twelve percent

increase in this month’s food and household fuel allotments. Thirteen percent for

consumers on the Alpha payment plan. Now, folks, you know I’m a journalist

and I don’t have any political biases whatsoever, but I think we’re all a little

grateful for the Chancellor’s generosity this morning. News from the front:

two more battalions of New Spartan forces were decimated in the Battle of

Burning Tire Iron Fields late last night. General Ajax is confidently predicting

imminent victory.

LYSISTRATA

Oh, General Ajax said it? Then they’re obviously not the words of a pompous,

lying sellout...

CALONICE

Lysistrata, he is your husband.

LYSISTRATA

You don’t have to bring that up.

PHILOCTES

Not everybody’s happy to see how well we’re doing however. The leader

of the opposition party took the Senate floor yesterday afternoon to once

again call for renewed peace talks with the Spartans. Subsequent reports

indicate that when his position was challenged he immediately dived under his

desk and began to weep like a little girl. The theme of our show today will be that

age old question: “Women huh? What are you gonna do about ‘em?” Today

we’re going to two very different representatives of the feminine gender. First,

we’re going to be talking to Miss...Adora, Chairperson of Citizens United To

Make Things Better. Later, we’ll have a chat with First Lady Hirondelle. As my

listeners know, I never take sides, I just ask the tough questions and let you make

the calls. Now Adora, your organization has a pretty cumbersome name doesn’t

it?

ADORA

It was a consensus choice, Philoctes.

PHILOCTES

I mean what kind of an acronym is that? CUTMTB? Anyway, all humor aside...

LYSISTRATA

I thought it already was.

PHILOCTES

Your group is basically a bunch of do-gooders right?

ADORA

Yes, we’d like to see New Athens improve social conditions for...

PHILOCTES

You’re against the war for the liberation of New Sparta.

ADORA

Um, our official policy is that we need a just and peaceful resolution

to the current...

PHILOCTES

So you’d like New Athens to lose then? Is that it?

ADORA

No, I...

PHILOCTES
Because if we don’t capture the Spartan capitol, we will have lost by definition.

ADORA

Well some might...

PHILOCTES

The Spartan separatist movement controls vast amounts of land and resources

that rightfully belong to the Athenian people, in a time when drastic measures

must be undertaken to feed and clothe the masses. Do you think that’s right?

ADORA

We are far wealthier than the people of Sparta. Besides, if you want to talk about

fair distribution of resources, let’s start with...

PHILOCTES

Is General Menelaus your hero?

ADORA

I wouldn’t...

PHILOCTES

Because he’s not the most heroic of figures. In fact he’s known to be a shallow

egomaniac with a chronic flatulence problem. That’s certainly not true of our

General Ajax.

LYSISTRATA

What does he know about Ajax that I don’t?

CALONICE

Well I wouldn’t call Ajax “shallow”.

PHILOCTES

You know there’s a reason all their sports teams are nicknamed the Fartin’

Spartans. (Loud fart sounds are heard) Oh my goodness, what’s happening in

my studio? You’re one of them, aren’t you Adora?

ADORA

That was certainly not me!

PHILOCTES

Which brings me to another point.

LYSISTRATA

Is he implying that he just had a point?

PHILOCTES

Your group is primarily composed of broads right? Is involvement in politics

really a good thing for women?

ADORA

We believe...

PHILOCTES

I mean men and women are different. Is that such a bad thing to say nowadays?

This whole idea that men and women are exactly the same was one of the things

that led to the Great Disaster. That’s why our grandparents decided to return

to the ways of the ancients.

LYSISTRATA

No, the Great Disaster was caused by people like you, fascists who thought

they could profit from human beings being vaporized!

CALONICE

Why aren’t you on the show representing our group, Lysistrata? You’re actually

capable of arguing.

LYSISTRATA

You answered your own question.

PHILOCTES

I also understand there are Mutants in your group, including one...Myrhina. Do

you really think that sends the right message to our children? That it’s acceptable

for them to grow up to be Mutants?

ADORA

I don’t think that’s really the way...

PHILOCTES

You’re on the wrong side of history lady, and you’re also a pervert. I apologize

to my listeners for exposing them to you. Now get the hell out of my sight.

LYSISTRATA

Let’s just get our rations and go home

A young woman behind a small kiosk greets them.

RHODIPPE

Madam Lysistrata, Madam Calonice.

CALONICE

I didn’t know you were working here, Rhodippe.

RHODIPPE

Yeah, I needed to take a job to help out at home. It’s not so bad. It’s nice to see

people being happy when they get what they need. The worst part is having to

listen to Jerkface for hours. Anyway, I’ve got your orders here.

(She starts to hand them bags)

The other thing that sucks is having to give people less food if they’re on the

Beta plan or whatever.

LYSISTRATA

Yeah, well one of these days we’re gonna shove Lycon’s little caste system up

his Alpha ass...

RHODIPPE

This is why you’re awesome Lysistrata! You’re an older chick who speaks

out.

LYSISTRATA

Thanks...Older?

RHODIPPE

Well, older than me.

LYSISTRATA

By the way, give Calonice five extra servings of fruit on my account okay?

CALONICE

Lysistrata, you don’t have...

LYSISTRATA

You have children, I don’t. It’s ridiculous for me to take more than I need just

because I’m the commanding general’s wife.

PHILOCTES

My next guest is a lady who’s perhaps the polar opposite of my last one.

Someone who’s dedicated her life to serving this country, and promoting a

message of patriotism and virtue. I’m of course talking about Chancellor Lycon’s

beautiful, beautiful wife, First Lady Hirondelle.

LYSISTRATA

Okay I can’t hold it down anymore, I’m going to vomit.

CALONICE

Not here in the marketplace.

LYSISTRATA

Stop telling me where I can and cannot vomit!

RHODIPPE

Yeah, stop being an oppressor!

HIRONDELLE

Well thank you, Philoctes, it’s great to hear you. You know my husband and I

listen to you whenever we get the chance. It’s great to have someone with the

courage to tell the truth on the airwaves.

PHILOCTES

Well you know I just call it like I see it. So what did you think of my last guest?

HIRONDELLE

Well, Philoctes, I was raised to believe that everyone has the right to their own

opinion, but I was also raised to believe that if your opinion is so radically

different from other people’s, you should have the courtesy to keep it to yourself.

I mean I’d be mortified if I had opinions like that.

PHILOCTES

How involved are you in your husband’s policy decisions?

HIRONDELLE

Oh, I’m a simple woman at heart, Philoctes, I don’t pretend to be a great

intellectual or anything like that. I just happen to believe that it’s my duty,

and everyone’s, to support our Chancellor.

PHILOCTES

I understand you’re something of a songwriter, and that you’re working on

a new patriotic song.

HIRONDELLE

Oh they warned me you’d ask about that...

PHILOCTES
Come on, just a few notes.

HIRONDELLE

Okay, but this is a work in progress. Ahem: (She begins to sing) O beautiful,

irradiated skies, o mutant strains of grain! Our soldiers now are fighting hard to

make you stay that way! The greatest nation under the sun, Athens must be the

one! Our compassion and our justice have won us great renown! All the world

shall fall in line as we smite our enemies down! So my fellow countrymen,

salute our flag today! If you don’t do this, you’re a traitor no matter what you

say! So my proud companions, let’s gather one and all, as our foes surrender

in shame, together we stand tall!”

LYSISTRATA

(Covering her ears)

Ow! Ow! Ow! That’s...Ow!

PHILOCTES

Wow. You know, I’m not the kind of man who cries. In fact I’m the kind of man

who beats the crap out of the kind of man who cries. But that was beautiful...

HIRONDELLE

Well it came from the heart. You know, living with Lycon is a great inspiration.

PHILOCTES

I’ve heard he’s a terrific husband and father.

HIRONDELLE

He is, but not only to our children but all the people of New Athens. So I guess

I’d like to say to the young lady you just talked to, instead of being a disgusting

traitor, why don’t you consider being a good daughter instead? You might

actually like it.

RHODIPPE

Be grateful you get to go home in a few minutes. I’ve got to listen to this stupid

rah rah crap all day. I hate this stupid country.

LYSISTRATA

This land and it’s people are good, Rhodippe. We just have to work to make them

better.

RHODIPPE

But what’s the point? Nothing ever changes!

LYSISTRATA

And you’ve lived so long that you can say that for sure? We’re better off than we

were a hundred years ago. Isolated tribes were living in desperate conditions.

We’ve done a lot to reverse the old barbarism. We don’t stone people

anymore, we don’t sacrifice virgins...

CALONICE

Yeah, now we just make fun of them.

LYSISTRATA

But we’ve still got a long way to go. Look at that. (She points to a soldier

receiving friendly attention from two young women) They’re drooling all over

him just because he’s wearing a damn uniform. Any woman under twenty one

is a damn fool. Present company excepted of course.

RHODIPPE

You know I hate this war and the criminals who started it more than anyone.

LYSISTRATA

Then I’m sure if your boyfriend were back from the front right now...

RHODIPPE

We’d be screwing each other senseless.

LYSISTRATA

But wouldn’t you be...

RHODIPPE

It’s not like it’s his fault. Besides, we’ve got to use the time we have.

CALONICE

We were their age only a couple of years ago, Lysistrata.

LYSISTRATA

Yeah, and we were stupid! I can still remember when I first saw Ajax in that

cadet’s uniform. How hot he was. How he was this great hero.

CALONICE

Harmodius was in art school when I first met him. I never wanted him to be a

hero.

LYSISTRATA

You were smarter than I was.

CALONICE

It was less than a month after we were married when they took him. He’s so

different now. Distant. He used to be so warm...

LYSISTRATA

He doesn’t paint anymore does he?

CALONICE

No. Not since he did that portrait of the capital he was hoping would become the

national symbol when he left.

LYSISTRATA

I always liked that painting a lot. It had a real vision of what Athens was

supposed to be.

CALONICE

What it could have been. He never really finished that painting. He doesn’t look

at it when he comes home anymore. He barely even looks at me. I don’t know

what happened to him out there...

LYSISTRATA

(Putting her arm around her)

It’s like Rhodippe said, it’s not his fault.

RHODIPPE

That’s right. It’s our fault. It’s our fault because we’re not doing anything. This

war is killing thousands and we’re just talking. Our whole little group, the

Citizens United for Whatever. We’re a joke.

CALONICE

Rhodippe...

LYSISTRATA

No, she’s right. We need to start doing more than talk. We’ve been polite long

enough. This war is destroying what’s left of the human race and we’re meekly

suggesting that it would be nice if they stopped it. But that’s not going to cut it

anymore. From now on, we’re through being polite. We’re going to be smarter,

stronger, bolder. We’re going to wake people up and show the world that we’re

not backing down anymore. Or, you know, words to that effect.

PHILOCTES

You realize of course, First Lady Hirondelle, that I’m an independent thinker

and I’m not gonna let you off the hook without asking you at least one tough

question you might not like.

HIRONDELLE

Oh no, they warned me about this. Okay, fire away.

PHILOCTES

Are you sure you’re ready for this? Because you know me, there’s no way

I’m going to let you wriggle out of this.

HIRONDELLE

No, I’m ready as I’ll ever be.

PHILOCTES

Okay. Is that your real hair color?

HIRONDELLE
It sure is, Philoctes!

PHILOCTES
Oh come on, it’s too pretty...